Cut the Shit

I have to tell one really quick story called: "How Joe saved himself from the destruction of all things blog-like".
Earlier this afternoon...let's say around 12:30pm, I decided to add some really cool things to my blogger. I copied and pasted java script into my template and was getting increasingly more impressed with myself at how fast I was learning how to read the lingo. I was adding things left and right and my smile was growing bigger and bigger.
Then, out of no where, my page FUCKS itself up. Actually I fucked it up cuz I thought I was more talented than I really am. The part of my page that has the ARCHIVE listing stretched itself so wide that it covered my entire page. All text was lost and I flipped the fuck out. I started screaming for Rita to come and save my ass. She was busy and not in the mood for my ridiculousness. Especially since she was working real hard today and I was playing for hours. She came out to help me fix my template and said the words of doom: "Joe, I really don't think I know how to fix it." My heart sank and I was convinced that I ruined my blogger. I was crushed.
I say to Rita, in my emotional outburst, that "if I don't fix this, I am never writing in a journal like this again!"
Rita and I leave for lunch. She buys me a nice meal at the West End and tells me not to panic, that she will fix it later on in the evening. I try to put it out of my mind for the duration of the lunch, but I was still so miserable. How could I fuck up my entire BLOGGLE? (Bloggle is my pet name for Blogger)
We get back for lunch and I immediately go to town on trying to solve the problem. I open a whole new blogger and try to compare the two templates. It took me about an hour and a half to sort through the chaos that I caused.
Suddenly, out of the abyss of all things amazing, my blogger is fixed! A yelp of joy escapes my throat and I run to Rita to explain that, with God's help, I have become the Java Script genius. Little does anyone know, but I sold my first born baby to the devil for the site to fix itself. Goodbye my child. Goodbye.
Hell, it was worth it.
So, my page was fixed and I thought: "Do I DARE go back in and try to add the links back into my site?" "What if I totally fuck it up again?" I decided to give it a go.
AND MY SITE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. I am so happy. It made the whole day worth it and gave me a feeling of accomplishment like I have never known.
I am really starting to get this whole java script/html thing. Slowly...very slowly...but surely...very surely.
So please, feel free to sign my guest book. Also feel free to answer the mini-poll. I will change the question as often as I can. Thank you Lord for saving my ghoulie. I would have been so sad if I lost all my hard work.

Good morning VIETNAM!
I am so glad that Vietnam is over. Finally, after all these years, I can get on with my life.
Last night was the Grammy's. I only watched for maybe an hour, but in that hour, I was lucky enough to see this group called "NSYNC" perform. Hee. This "group". They are only my LOVE! My dream. My desire. My inspiration.
Their performance was outstanding. It was tight, it was live, and it totally showed everyone that they are still cutting edge and perfectly in sync with each other. I think that these boys are the best pop group out there. They sing live WHILE dancing. They ain't no J-LO that lip syncs, even though she can dance. Justin and JC are obviously the king and queen of the group. I am just more impressed by these guys every time I see them perform. They meet all of my expectations and then some. (Big sigh)
I finished this book last night called "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. This piece of literature is the most hysterical thing I have ever laid my eyes on. I laughed out loud more at this book than any other book I have ever read. I wish I could give some specific examples, but I know that some of you want to be reading it. And you should be reading it. Pure genius.
My breath is STANK today. I can taste it. Feels like, while I was sleeping, our cat, Trey, came in, pooped in my mouth, dropped some litter in for good measure...and then took off. All without me realizing. Luckily, the poop tasted good and I digested it by morning.
But now my breath....oof.
Penelope is getting a tooth fixed this morning. It broke yesterday while she was eating pudding or something. I don't think she even remembers exactly when the incident happened. But suddenly she had half of a molar missing! YIKES. My worst nightmare. Really. I would melt into jelly and slosh away down the sewers if my tooth ever just cracked open. UGH. No more talking about it, cuz I feel like I may vomit. I hope she is okay. Her appointment was for 9am.
Paul sent me the most adorable message this morning. I open my inbox to my email and there is this message that says: "Thank you for being mine." OH! I melted all over the floor. Gosh. All I am doing today is melting for different reasons. He can be so adorable when he wants. And if he really tries...he makes me feel so good about myself. And makes me think that maybe long distance is okay.
But maybe it's not.
I do love him though. So much.
Alright, time to do some work....

Hello to all of my faithful readers. Or maybe just to my faithful friends. According to my site meter...I have had over 150 hits so far. That is great! Keep it up readers...makes me feel so gooooooooooood.
Today has been an average day. Been pretty busy at work and my spirits have been mediocre.
Yesterday was just an amazing day. After work, Penelope, Rita and I went for drinks at the West End. I just love that West End. Their drinks are affordable, the ambiance is great, and we have literally made it our second home. We were just going to have 1 or 2 drinks and as usual, this turned into 3 or 4 or 5. Buzzing in the most audacious manner, the 3 of us left the joint to drive to Penelope's apartment. There we commenced with the drinking, smoked a few bongs, and had some laughs. It was really the perfect way to spend a half day off. After this fun, Rita and I risked a DWI and drove back to our apartment in Queens. We got a little sidetracked and ended up somewhere near Flushing. Ok...we didn't end up THAT far away, but we were definitely lost for like 20 minutes. Then next thing we know, we take this random left and are suddenly on the path to our house.
Last night the Real World was a repeat. FUCK! I hate repeats. But I shouldn't complain since it is the first repeat that they have shown. But Ugh! How do I wait a whole week to find out what happens to Kerry and Kyle?!?!
Okay Joe. Get a grip.
Mmmm...I just gripped myself alright. And it felt goooooooooood.
That is the second time that I typed: "gooooood" in this entry. And I don't think "goooood" is even a word.
maybe it is.
What else, what else....
Kelly seems to think that she has more entries in her diary than I have in my blogger. PSHAW Kelly. I counted your entries. You have a total of: 17. I have a total of: a million. Hee. I win. The trophy goes to me.
Oh great. Does that mean I have to go out and BUY a trophy now? Like I can even afford that shit.
This weekend, Rita has a friend coming. This friend will now be known as Jill. (Great play on names, huh folks?) We are supposed to go to Karaoke. I have decided to quit smoking for a couple days to get my beautiful, tenor falsesetto prepared for my performance. Bullshit. I will smoke a bowl right before we go. And then I will sing "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band.
I have never met Jill before, but from what I hear, she is damn amazing. I am pretty excited to see who this chick is. Maybe I will "do" her when Rita ain't looking. whatever. As long as I get my dick sucked.
Last night I called Doug again. I just had to. Rita says that I "have no game" cuz I stalk those that show any interest. HAHA. I don't stalk for real, but if I want something...hells if I am not going to go for it. So I call Doug and leave a message that is like: "Hello Doug. I have called twice now and I am not calling again. Please call immediately or I will fuck you up."
Doug ends up calling me back an hour later. I screen the call and Doug says on the message: "Joe, pick up..."
Does he KNOW that I am screening? Have I known him longer than 10 minutes in my whole life? Or does he just have this 6th sense that tells him that I am a screening freak? I don't know.
Needless to say, I didn't pick up the phone and when I went to call him back an hour later, I got the voice mail. Whatever Doug. Call me again or don't. At this point I don't care.
(yeah I do)
so much so.
This is one of the weirdest entries I have ever written. I am just kind of going off the top of my head.
Hope I don't sound like too much of a fuck.
fuck.
me.
immediately.
in my virgin ass.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY?!?!?!? Maybe I am in a better mood than even I realize.

So I have this problem. My farts over the last week have been potent enough to kill a person. In fact, to be honest, I have killed 2 of my friends already. Penelope says that she is charging me with "Attempted Manslaughter". And she should. Citizen's arrest all the way.
I haven't really been able to take a shit in days. So the steak I had for dinner on Sunday is just building on top of the chicken I had the day before. And last nights egg salad...just forget it. I am full of food and about ready to explode out of my bloated, rotting stomach.

Good morning...GOOD MORNING! I only have to be at work today until 1pm. AAAAAAAAAAAAMAZING! It is this holiday I like to call Purim. Some celebration of sorts. I am celebrating by getting drunk at 2pm in the afternoon. What a day.
I came up with a great idea last night while I was laying in bed playing with myself.
One night, I am going to smoke a bowl and sit at my blogger and type for 15 or 20 minutes straight. I realized that so much goes through my head at night when I am sitting around stoned, blankly staring at the tv. I love the solitude and peace that comes along with a late night smoke. But quite often, my mind races and there are so many things that I want to quickly type into my blogger. So, coming to a blogger near you: Joe CuttheShit waxes philosophic while under the influence of marijuana's evil control.
Rita and I drove to work today. THOROUGHLY enjoyable. And we got a parking spot basically in front of the building. The only down side---I have to leave every hour to put quarters in the parking meter. hee.
Lately, I have had so many damn boogers in my nose. Like dry, crusty boogers. Weird. But fun to pick and eat.
YAH! NEVER EAT! NEVERNEVERNEVERsometimesNEVERNEVER. (barf)
Time to go home yet?

Well, well, well....
I sent out over 20 resumes this morning. AND on top of that...I got a bite! I don't know which job it is, cuz all but two of the faxes had no contact name. But this lady, Helen Salinger called our house just now. Kelly happened to be home and online. She sent me the number and I called. OKAY. Now she just called back. UGH. The job sounded ok. She briefly talked about the assistant position, but...there were 2 HUGE problems.
1) The job paid a little less than what I am going for. Just a little, but I am not starting over for less than my goal. Especially with the amount of vacation time and flexibility that I have at my current job.
2) She said that the hours of work were from 12-9pm. Not good. I would have ZERO time for anything else.
So whatever. The first opportunity sucked. But I will pray and wait for the second one. CAN someone just offer me what I need so I can be done with this????

Monday morning. Yuck. Hate Mondays, almost as much as I love Fridays. Cept this Monday ain't so bad cuz I have a half day tomorrow at work. And this weekend was just about damn amazing. I am exhausted now from it, but it was well worth it. I also spent much more money than I should have, but I didn't go out Saturday so that saved me some bones.
Friday night, Kelly, Rita and I went to Henrietta's on the Hudson. It is this lesbian bar that we have never been to. The place was JAMMIN. The people were so friendly and there were some hot chicks dancing around. Kelly gave her number to a girl, after much coaxing. (She tends to be a little shy when it comes to these type things) The girl she picked out was beautiful. The most clear-blue, piercing eyes. Her name was Shana and she was super cool. Hopefully she will call. I know Kelly would love that.
At about 1am, the three of us loaded into a cab and went to Splash. I love me some Splash. I was also in rare form. (Maybe because I had about 15 drinks that night) Oof. During our 2 and a half hour stint there, I met 4 guys, got 3 numbers and kissed 3 of them smack on the mouth.
The first guy I met was named Mark. He was about 6"2 and 220#. All muscle. His face wasn't that great and his jeans were even worse. But he did kiss well and he gave me a lot to hold on to. He was a big boy and I love that. We danced for awhile, we hugged, and about 15 minutes after I met him, I accepted his number and said "Latas".
I walk away from Mark, only to bump into this guy named "Craig". Actually Kelly spotted Craig and when I got a glimpse of him, I went "DAMNNN!". The boy was perfect. He was built beyond belief and had a model face. I mean, the guy was just about sent from heaven. I told Kelly to track this boy down and let me dance with him. She did just that. When we bumped into Craig, he was like: "What's up, come dance!". So I did. Kelly casually bowed out of the situation and I stayed with him for a good 15 minutes. After a couple fast dances and one slow dance, I was annoyed that Craig wasn't paying all of his attention to me. Was he trying to win me over or just get down my pants? I didn't know. And then I just didn't care. I said: "Craig, it was nice to meet you. I am going to find my friends." He was like: "Nooo! Stay and dance a bit longer." I smiled, patted him on the side of the face and went to find Kelly and Reets. I forgot to mention that I did kiss Craig during the slow song, but it wasn't that great. He was beautiful, but he didn't have the basics down.
Here are the basics:
1) Pay attention to me more than everyone else. At least for the moment that I am there.
2) You have to be a good kisser. If not...adios.
3) Be a man. Don't be flaming and never never NEVER act more gay than me.
Craig fucked up the first two rules and then I met Shadrick. Now Shadrick...he was fucking amazing. Wanna know why? Because Shadrick was me. (wink, wink)
Shadrick was Irish. He didn't seem to have an accent, but the music was real loud, so maybe he did. He was beautiful. Nice, lean body (not my type) and an amazing face. Shadrick walked by me, kissed me smack on the mouth and was like: "Come dance." I didn't feel like dancing with Shadrick as I had already spied someone more my type. Shadrick and I seem to be similar people. We are both shmoozers, we are both adorable, and we were both seeming to spread ourselves thin at this bar. I don't like people like me, usually. They are competition and I would rather avoid that type and stick with the quieter, more muscular, men of the bar. Which was who Doug is. Now Doug. Oh man...Doug. Doug is maybe an inch shorter than me, maybe my height. Doug is fucking HOT! He had an amazing body, cool stylin/black hair, and was wearing Abercrombie. My type of man. Doug was also not drinking when I saw him. We immediately made eye contact and I just stared at him for like a solid minute. He stared back equally as long. Finally I got so nervous that he wouldn't break my eye contact, that I had to break it. I looked at the ground and then danced away for a second. He was intimidating, cuz he was so beautiful. When I looked back in Doug's direction, he had switched spots with his friend, Matt. Doug and I stood next to eachother and danced for a minute or so. I introduced myself and shook his hand. He said something I couldn't hear and I asked him to repeat himself. Then, like the PERFECT gentleman, Doug grabbed my hand and asked me to come with him to a quieter part of the bar. Doug stood by all my rules.
1) He was more muscular...much more than me.
2) He took me to a quieter part of the bar so that he could hear everything I was saying. Way to pay attention to me. :)
3) He could be a good kisser...but I wouldn't know that yet, cuz........
I hung with Doug longer than anyone else I met during the night. He was friendly, adorable, and a fucking MAN! Doug is 33 years old and lives in Yonkers. He told me what he did as an occupation and I forgot. I was fucking trashed by this point.
Doug gave me his phone number and I vowed to call him. I never kissed him because he didn't try. (I never try first)
As I was leaving the bar, I ran back over to Doug and told him that I would be calling him on Saturday to see if he wanted to go out with me. He was like: "Sure. Please do call." BUT...I got home, realized I had a boyfriend and didn't call. In fact, I haven't called yet.
I spoke with Paul on Saturday and told him everything that happened. Maybe I left out how absolutely attractive all of these guys were, but I did tell him that I kissed some boys. And even that I was planning on calling Doug again.
He handled it with style and grace; the way he handles every fucked up thing that I do.
I had an incredible time that night. I am always suprised that I get some hot guys. Inside my head, I feel like I am an exceptionally heavy, acne covered, no personality idiot, that wants guys that he can't have. Yet, I can have...and I will have. It makes me feel so good inside.
More updates on Doug to come. I really am considering calling him today.
Oof. Gimme some Doug.

Okay Joe. Cut the shit. I gotta stop adding these stupid little tests. But they change up my page a bit and sometimes the information I discover is VERY important. For example this is my day of the week and also a picture of me sewing:


What day are you?

Now, I mean...who didn't NEED to know that?

I really wanted to be HEEM. But I guess I will settle.

IT'S MOTHA FUCKING FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAY! Rock. I just love the weekend. I don't think I have ever loved the weekend so much in my whole life. I look forward to it like a druggie looks forward to his fresh new bag. It's a good feeling. And like the druggie, I know that the good feeling will have to go away eventually. Like on Sunday around 6pm. Oooh...makes me shudder to even think about it.
Last night, Rita and I went over to play with Penelope for awhile. Good time it was. I am so happy that Rita and Penelope are getting along so well already. They have a good deal of similarities and are both willing to let go. We laugh, we wax philosophic, and we cry. Well, not so much cry. Actually never cry. But it is always amazing nonetheless.
I laughed so hard last night I thought my face was going to fall off. There was some shit that was just so damn funny. One of them being:
One of the bitches I work with, I think her name was given as "Doris" left this notebook on my desk a couple of days ago. Doris is constantly leaving things on our desks. And we are constantly asking her to remove her smelly shit as quick as possible. Sometimes, quite a few times, Doris' SHIT has ended up in some garbage can on Broadway.
So Doris leaves this notebook and on Thursday I decide to take it and throw it away. However, on the ride home in the cab, Rita and I look through the notebook and find scribblings of some HUMILIATING shit. Doris seems to have "Professional Jealousy" with our boss. Doris scribbles that she deals with: "anger, lies, perception" and a "need to be alone". Doris then draws scary pictures of some sort of wolf-like serial killer. I don't know how to describe it to you. Well, in fact, I think I did just describe it to you. Some scary shit.
So now that the notebook has gone "missing", Miss Doris is frantically trying to find it. She has lost numerous notebooks and has never said a word about it. But this one...oh she knows that it has to intense writings in it. And what IF...what IF someone like my boss happened to discover it? Ooooh...the pleasure. For once, we have power in our hands and I love it. If Doris just wasn't such an animal, maybe we would just return it. But since she is a wildebeast that knows not right from wrong, I think I will have to rip out one page at a time and sporadically slide them under her door before she gets to work.
(snicker motha-fuckin snicker)
Tonight, Rita and I have some friends coming into town. They are 2 of the 6 people that make up our intense group from college. I haven't seen one of these girls since I graduated. Distance has ripped us all apart. It should be nice to have a few drinks with them. I sure hope it is a good time. There is always that possibility that Stacil will walk up to me and be like: "You are an asshole. Why haven't you called? Get the fuck out of my face." I will then proceed to rip up the belated birthday card that I will be holding in my hand. No. I wouldn't. But slap her in the face with the card...now that I would do.
Alright...time to have yet another cigarette today. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.

Why is it that straight guys (usually hot ones) have this way of flirting with me? It's like my own personal Temptation Island. The ones I meet will usually not talk to me at all at first. Then one day the relationship changes. It's "Jeff..what's up man!?", "Jeff, you're cool man!", "Jeff, come over here and suck my dick man!". (okay never the last comment cuz I would LOVE IT!) It's just weird. Maybe I read into things too much. But deep inside I feel like I don't. People like to flirt. Just a fact of life. And if a straight guy knows that I am gay and is cool with it, then I find that, more often than not, they will casually make comments to me. It's like they WANT me to WANT them. And sometimes I do. I love a challenge. And I especially like scaring the piss out of straight guys that THOUGHT they were straight, until suddenly they are sleeping in my bed and kissing me.
But these aren't the guys that will become boyfriends. Just guys that will either:
a) break my heart
b) be a fun, "experimental" hook-up
c) kick the living shit out of me.
It's an enjoyable and dangerous game.
I am going to miss it when I finally grow up and leave straight people alone.

"Stop and smell the roses."
This is a saying that I wish I could apply to my life. But I just don't know how to re-train my personality to do so.
Kelly, Rita and I were having a convo. the other night about how I am always "rush around" and they are always "can we please just take our time". I wish I could just slow everything down so that I didn't always feel like there is more fun to be had. Know what it is? I have to work on MY schedule. I am one of those people that never just ups and does something. Everything I do has to be thought out and planned. For example, if a friend invites me to lunch at 10am that day...I will always say no. Even if I don't have plans, I would still rather not do anything, cuz mentally I didn't have time to prepare myself. It is becoming kind of an obsession.
I love going out and getting drinks. But if you don't ask me to do it at least 2 days in advance, the odds of me going with you are slim, but mostly slim to none. With a focus on the none.
"Stop and smell the roses."
Spontanaiety and I are good friends. But only when I am ready for it a week in advance. Hmph. I need to lighten up a bit.

Okay...one more test that I took. This one was better than my "last past life". I aint no fucking garbage man! But when I took the "what donut am I?" test, it came out totally truthful. I turned out to be jelly. And jelly is my favorite. And my stomach is full of blood, like a jelly donut. And I wear powder on my face when I do stage shows. And when you squeeze my middle, my best parts come out. I am so a jelly donut.


*Take This Test!*

See what you are my friend.

I just took this test on-line to figure out what my past life is. First off, I thought the test would be a little more enjoyable, but maybe it is only for recreation purposes. I was hoping to discover myself and figure out why I am truly on the planet.
Yeah whatever.
Here is who I was in my past life:
Your Results:
You were male in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere around the territory of what is now know as modern Quebeck, approximately in the year 1075.
Your profession was: digger, undertaker.
A brief psychological profile of you in that past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.
A lesson that your last past life wishes you to learn in your present life is:
You are bound to solve problems of pollution of environment, recycling, misuse of raw materials, elimination of radioactivity by all means including psychological methods.
do you remember?
-----------------------------------------------------> whatever dawg. I was so Cleopatra in my past life.
If you would like to see what your past life is, go here:

I woke up from the deepest sleep this morning. It was like flying out of a long tunnel, only to realize that at the end of it was my reality of having to get up and go to work. I celebrated by jerking off.
Last night, Rita and I went grocery shopping for Kelly. It was fun. Like a scavenger hunt. In fact, one of the best parts was that I brought a glass of wine with me and drank it like some old, alcoholic lady getting her menial tasks done. It was enjoyable. I was in bed last night by like 7:30pm. What is my deal? I watched some tv and laid in my comforter, sweating my nuts off. Cuz what is the fucking deal with this weather? Don't get me wrong...like everyone else, I enjoy it. But unlike most people, I believe that bad things are happening because of it. Polar ice caps melting, water draughts, the Lord Jesus Christ coming back to rapture his children. Not that that's a bad thing.
Well, not for me. ;)
My boss isn't going to be in today. ROCK.
Tonight Penelope and I are doing our (just about) bi-weekly ritual of having some wine together and getting a bag. We always have a good time when we chill at her house. I try to shove the wine down her throat, but she isn't a huge drinker. I do consistently refill her glass though, cuz you know...once I get her liquored up, I can do whatever I want to her. (hahahahahahahahaha)
never.
If you ain't watching the Real World this season, you are missing out! I know I have written about this before, but I must write about it again. The show, this time around, is definitely my favorite one of all time. ALREADY! There have been about 5 episodes so far and each one has me gripping the side of the couch, or crying one stoic tear, or yelling in anger. The members of the cast are wonderful. They were perfectly picked. There is some controversy and differing of opinions (as there should be), but for the most part, they all get along so well. It is nice to see that. Of course, there is one guy (Theo) spouting off about how homosexuality is "discusting" and "a sin". And there is this girl Tonya, from Wallah Wallah, Washington who is a moron, but she means well. This week's episode was about Chris and his boyfriend. They have a long distance relationship and to be honest, I am not sure if they are really together. It seems to be a newbie relationship. I don't really enjoy Chris or the guy he is dating, but I love the way that the other people react to them. It is intriguing, thought provoking, and for the first time in a LOOONG while, I can actually understand what straight people go through when they see two homosexual men in an intimate setting. It was almost too hard for me to watch...and Paul and I are much more intense then they are. It was interesting.
I got to thinking...is this how Paul and I come across? I feel like we are totally normal, average guys. But I guess one could argue that Chris and his boy are the same way. This week's episode really made me think.
Please, catch up with this show if you haven't seen in already. It is really quite amazing.
I am so glad that the weekend is almost here. Gonna have some fun. Gonna sleep. Gonna do whatever the fuck I feel like doin. FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOM! And no work for a couple of days.
Thank the lord that he invented weekends.

Fucking time for lunch!!!! WHOO-HOOOOOOOOOO! Where are you Miss Penelope? this bitch needs to eat!

Tonight I am going grocery shopping for Kelly. She left me money and an itemized list behind. It is going to be kind of fun. Like a Scavenger Hunt. Cept I don't get any great prize after winning this "hunt". Well, Kelly did promise to buy me a pack of smokes. I guess that counts as a prize.
I just got this INSTANT MESSAGE from Rita. It was all of these HUGE size grins. It scared me and made me cry with laughter. This is what it looked like:
:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D:-D

For some reason I am so horny today. I think I need to go jerk one in the bathroom. But what if my boss comes in? What if he wants to join in with me? What if I get pregnant?
whatever. I will just flush the baby down the urinal.

Wow. I have been pretty busy today. Lots of work to do and so much more to go. Last night, Kelly, Rita and I had a wonderful time together. We originally planned on going to this local bar in Queens, but we never found it. Then I had to piss real bad and forced us to go home as quickly as possible so I could relieve myself. Ahhhh....it felt so good. Kind of like an orgasm. Funny how that is.
After the pseudo-orgasm, Kelly, Rita and I sat around and debated the career of Britney Spears, over a glass of wine. We spoke on this topic for close to an hour, when finally we decided that Brit could really go either way at this point. She will either end up as the next Madonna, or she will stay on the path that she is going and end up as the joke of modern society. I was very impressed at Kelly's opinions on the subject. She, being someone who adores the fuck out of Britney, was able to take a very neutral and open-minded stance on the future success of this popstar. Kelly didn't feel the need to convince us of Britney's worth and thus opened up the conversation to new levels. It was fun and I definitely enjoyed having a semi-political debate on Brit.
Yesterday I felt as though Paul and I were doomed. I was convinced that he and I were traveling down different paths and that the only possible end result was a nasty break-up. I was so confused and scared. I believed so much in the demise of our relationship that I was already planning what to say to him. Then he called me at 1:30am and woke me up out of a deep sleep and was so damn adorable that I was able to find that spot for him that I thought was lost forever. Damn, I am so not good at commitment of any form. It scares the piss out of me. And the other problem is that I follow my heart soley. I never listen to what my head tells me. I should try to combine the two, but I predominately go with what I feel.
I do love him. Or at least I think I do. But what do I do if I can't figure out how to move forward from the point we are at now? Is he going to move here? If so, what if we break up? Are we ever going to get close enough that we actually make love? If we don't, when will I ever lose my virginity? I am almost 25! :(
So many things to riddle my brain. I just wish that I had the capability of sitting back and letting go. Cuz if I could do just that...who knows the levels that this relationship could break?

I read this blogger earlier that was fucking disturbing. It was this girl that wrote something to this effect:
"So I haven't written in awhile (mind you this was the first entry she has ever made...I checked her archives) and a lot has happened to me. First off, my mom, sister and cat died in a fire from toxic smoke. Then I started getting these anxiety attacks and my dad says I should go to the hospital." She continues on for a good while about nonsense and then ends it by saying: "Happy lollipops and oranges to everyone!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
Cuz I mean if your moms died (along with your cat and sister), you probably wouldn't sit down at your blogger right away. Second, if you are the kind of person who would do sit down and write about it right away anyway...are you also the same type of person that writes at the end: "Happy oranges and lollipops to everyone"? This girl is fucking whack.
I wish I could remember the web address, cuz you guys gotta read this shit.
People are crazy. And what the hell is a "happy orange"? lordy.
I read another blog that was all in Chinese symbols.
Chinese people are weird.
And I also don't understand the bloggers that are all links. Such as: "Today was good...check this out: insert link."
Or "I love pizza and here is something to think about: insert link". Unoriginal, boring, and a waste of valuable web space.
But happy oranges to you!
Almost time for lunch. Cannot wait. The day is actually almost over too. That is wonderful news.
Tonight I am supposed to go get drinks with Kelly and Rita after work. I haven't spoken to Kelly about it yet, so I don't know if we are going for sure. I hope so. Cuz after this long and excruciating day of hard labor, I should definitely celebrate with some booze. I got this best friend necklace over the weekend. It is one of those that have the heart split in half. One side says "Joe Cuttheshit" and the other says "booze".
Kelly is off seeing the smash hit movie "Crossroads" by the triple threat talent Ms. Britney Spears. HAHAHAHA~! I am happy that she gets to see it, cuz it is like all she wants out of life right now. Good for her for sticking by her guns and seeing that thing despite all the flack everyone gives her. But to be honest, if Justin Timberlake was in his own movie, I would be at the Sneak Preview. Yum. Timberlakes. I think she is seeing the movie with Randall, the EX. Dum duh dum dum. DUM!
Here is a song about Nouns: (Sung to the tune of "Freir a Jacques" or the English version "Are you sleeping brother John?")
"Nouns are people. Nouns are places. Nouns are things.
Ruth. Rome. And Rings.
Helen is a proper noun.
Melon is a common noun.
Use a capital - for the name Bill."
What a great song. I wonder if Britney will cover it in her new movie.
Latas.

Fuck. Just lost everything I typed.

SO DAMN BORED TODAY. I just can't get myself motivated enough to do anything. It's not like my job is hard or even really time consuming...in fact, it is just plain dull. I sit here and dream and hope that a hot guy will walk in and say: "Hey you. Wanna go have some lunch together."
But instead...Rita just sent me some real cool online sites to check out.

"Ohh....back to work....back to work...to prove to dad that I'm not a jerk. Back to work...back to work...can't believe that I am stuck in this shithole." A little take off on the Billy Madison hit: "Back to School". Wow I am tired this morning. I think I am more tired now than when I woke up. How does that happen? Probably cuz I spent the subway ride with my head bowed and eyes sealed shut with sleep. Sweated my balls off again in bed last night. What is the deal? I am constantly sweating. No wonder I am always dehydrated. I just can't keep up.
Friday night, Paul and I went to SPLASH. (My favorite gay NYC club) I love this place. I love it even more when I am not with Paul. It is weird to go to a cruisy pick-up place with your boyfriend. Especially when he makes me feel as though he is ONLY there to show me off. I never feel like he really wants to be there to have a good time with just me. Our conversations tend to suck when we are at a club just the two of us. In fact, our conversations tended to suck all weekend. We were very distant from each other. Lots on my mind in that area...but I don't feel like going into that right now.
Saturday night, my housemates and I went to see Urinetown: The Musical. It was pretty good. I definitely laughed quite a bit and the performances were excellent. The writing was outstanding as well. In fact, it was an overall good performance. Kelly, Rita, and I thouroughly enjoyed ourselves. Afterwords, we went out with Rita's boyfriend, Scott, and some of his friends. I got fucked up! It was fun and I spent a lot of time laughing and chortling. Chortle. ing. Kelly and I acted as though we were 12 years old, ashing our cigarettes on these ugly bitches and stealing things left and right. It was probably the funniest thing to happen all weekend. Even funnier than Urinetown.
This guy Simon is in this play. It is called Danton's Death or some shit. It is funny to hear people standing around, in my office, and talking about it right now. Considering that I think Simon is a piece of shit...I will not be attending the play. Besides the fact that his pretentious attitude about theater will always keep me away from any performance he ever does (I mean...he went to a Conservatory, please!), until I start acting, I will not support those with speech impetiments and partial balding who are acting. Or I can just be a huge bitch about it all...like I am doing right now.
So tired.
Found numerous jobs in the paper yesterday. Gotta get my resumes and cover letter together tonight so that I can fax them out. Must find new job immediately. Or must figure out a way to sell things I own for money.
Must. M U S T!

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I was pretty excited cuz Paul and I have yet to actually spend a V-Day together. It is also his birthday so it was even more special for him to come. We had a wonderful time together. Talking, hugging, etc. However, we went to this restaurant call "Bill's Gay Nineties". Now, according to the title, we thought we were in for a night of quiet, piano-bar style, dinner. I pictured a bunch of old gay men dining. Nope. It was a bunch of old men alright, but they were homophobic and just plain mean to us. Beginning with the coat check lady that stared at me the entire time like I had 3 heads (2 of which had massive deformities). She literally STARED the entire time. Even to the point in which I kept catching her and she would just continue to look in my eyes. She was creepy.
Then they shove us in this corner next to the piano player and serve us watered down drinks at $9 a pop. The steaks were majorly overcooked and the owners of the bar (2 old men and this old, fucking pretentious bitch) stared and laughed at us the whole time. At one point I got up to have a cigarette at the bar, and this old fucker (like 75 old) grabs Paul by the arm and says: "What are you doing? Trying to escape on the bill?" or some shit...Paul gets pissed! And rightly so...
I finish my cigarette and the bartender makes Paul a drink without even looking in his eyes. He then slams the drink on the counter and walks away. We were appalled. Finally, we were half-way through our meals and we decided that we just had to leave. Paul goes up to the woman owner and says: "You are rude and our steaks are overcooked and we want the check now." The lady glowers at him and is like: "Fine."
We get our bill, shoot nasty looks back at the owners, who are still staring at us and making comments to one another. We did tip our waitress well, cuz she was the only one who had any sort of decency. Then we got our jackets and tipped the coat lady one buck, cuz she was a fucking nightmare.
On the way out, they have this huge mirror on this display. I gathered every amount of loogie in my throat and spit it all over the mirror. FUCK YOU BILL GAY NINETIES. Clean up a fag's spit.
Paul and I did have a wonderful time together. Thank God for that. I fell asleep in his arms at like 11:30pm. He said I sweat my balls off all night. oops.
He came on me without me even touching him. Sometimes I can be sexy as fuck.
hee.
Today is "Pizza Friday". This weekly ritual is something that I created for myself and allows me to start out my weekend on a tasty note. I have to get at least one slice every Friday. Kelly used to eat pizza with me on Fridays, before work. Rita now has some with me usually. But today, the devils (or her bosses - whatever term suits you more) are keeping her late. So no pizza for Rizza.
Tomorrow night, Kelly, Rita and I commence to "Urinetown" the musical. We will probably get drinks first and then off to a musical about public toilets. NYC doesn't get any better than this. Afterwords, we will probably go for more drinks. Why does everything in my life revolve around getting drinks?
It will be fun to hang with Kelly for once. We haven't seen her all week. It is like she has been away on vacation. Cept that the vacation has been filled with massive amounts of homework, endless shifts at work, and rehearsals for a show she just started. Goodness. She sure is a trooper. And a good girl.
Last night, Kelly and her ex-girlfriend Randall spent some time with each other. From what Kelly says they had an amazing time together. I am so happy for her and for the fact that they can be around each other and not kill. That is very difficult to do when you come out of a relationship of 2 years. I know I couldn't do it. They are both being very strong and patient. I am proud of my babies.
So...Paul will be here soon. Then Pizza and fun! And maybe it will be a better lunch than last nights' dinner. Only thing that could make lunch worse is if I got punched right in my fag face. HA!

Almost the end of the day and almost time for me to escape.
I had lunch today with my new boss, Jim. It went wonderfully. We had some great talks and I realized today how interesting of a person he really is. I voiced my concerns about certain areas of my job and he totally listened. He responded in such an assertive manner that it made me feel relieved that he took over the position. He also paid for my lunch AND we each had two glasses of wine. What is he? The coolest ever? Today, again, has been an overall good day. No one getting in my face or bothering me.
In other news...I have to go buy Valentine/Birthday gifts after work. Paul is coming into town tomorrow and his birthday just HAPPENS to be on V-day. Lucky bitch. I am SURE that I will get nothing again for this holiday, just like I got for Christmas and our anniversary. He always pays for me when we go out, etc. But it would be nice if he could write a fucking card once in awhile. Sorry....obviously this strikes a cord deep within my soul. I mean, write a simple card sometime. But I guess that is too much to ask. Dick.
I have made reservations at three different restaurants for tomorrow night. I am not sure where he will want to go. So I call him today at like 11am and say: "Please call me back today as soon as you can...I have a few questions to ask you". (ie: which restaurant to go to...) And of course...the fucking asshole hasn't called back.
Good. I will make the decision about where we go to eat and it will be Burger King.
Case closed.
I work with this guy that I will call Brian. He is a really sweet guy. And in fact, I hooked up with him for a solid two weeks when Paul and I were having problems. He treated me really well at the time and made me feel like a god. But then I realized that I don't like it when people kiss my ass. I need them to provide some sort of a challenge. And Brian was falling for me way too fast. Now, we have this strange relationship in which some days we are best friends and some days we don't speak. Gay relationships are weird.
Plus he has a HUGE donkey dick.
OMIGOD...I think I might have gotten Mariah a possibility at a job when she gets here.
I gotta go!
Will explain later....

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to find myself doubled over with the worst cramps? Was it the first case of male period? Male pregnancy? Intestinal cancer? No. In fact, it was a mad case of the diarrehea explosion. I ran to the bathroom and had the worst time. Then this morning, I still feel like I gots to go, but there is nothing left. And I feel that if I push hard enough, my liver and kidneys are bound to plop into the toilet. ugh.
Today I have to have lunch with my new boss. He has been hounding me to do so for weeks now and I always cancel. So I bite the bullet and do it today. I am sure it will be better than expected. It just sucks that I have to give up a lunch break to be with people I work with. I hate that. My lunch break is my free time away from this place I call BS.
The Real World (Chicago) is fucking amazing. It is quickly becoming my favorite Real World of all time. And no, not cuz of the gay guy in it. He is actually the weirdest shit I have ever seen on tv. I, for the first time in a while, am obsessed with the straight characters, Kyle and Kerry. They are struggling to not fall for each other, but it is only inevitable. Kyle has a long time girlfriend, and refuses to cheat. But whatever, Kerry is throwing everything at him that she can think of...and it is working. He follows her around like a dog in heat. Or maybe more like a gorilla in heat, cuz this boy has got a great body. I love this season.
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The cramps are killing me. If I do turn out to be pregnant, I am giving the baby away. I just can't fuck up my future like that.

Quickly writing, quickly writing. I have had a great day today. I feel happy and alive. I didn't have any sort of stupid-ass panic attacks today. I didn't get annoyed at anyone today. Work was very quiet and actually a pleasure to be at for like the first time in months. Penelope is out sick today. Good for her. But how do I tell her that people are chomping at the bits for her to come back. Everyone is like: "Is Penelope coming tomorrow", and "Have you heard from Penelope." NO EVERYONE! Leave the girl alone!
Only about 45 minutes left of work. Tonight is "alone" night. Rita and I go our separate ways the minute we get home. It is kind of fun. I will probably sit on my ass and watch some tv. Maybe do some light reading, singing, etc. You know.
Oh shit...the office supplies just arrived.
OH SHIT. I just cut my finger with the scissors. I am now bleeding everywhere.
YOWZAH!

"I'm just sipping on Chamomile"...if I hear that damn song one more time...I kill.
I just spent an hour posting this blogger on numerous search engines. Now, maybe, I will get some readers other than my loyal friends. We shall see. For those of you who don't know how to do this, but want to...I would check out the "How to publicize" tutorial that blogger gives. Highly informative and pretty easy to figure out. Now all I gotta do is figure out this "3-way action" situation. I sure hope it don't have to do with lesbos and/or a menage a trois. Sick.
;)

I just got done reading Kelly's diary. There were some great entries in there. She is dealing with quite a lot right now. Overworked with school, work, life in general. She is lonely and stressed and I am sure...very tired. I feel bad for her that she has to go through all of this...and mostly alone. Rita and I work the same job, have the same commute, and basically live the same lives. I know that this fact is an extra stress on Kelly who feels left out, and like she is missing out on all the talks, the fun, and the changes that happen every day. But how can I explain to her that she is making it worse for herself than it really is??? Rita and I do not spend the whole day laughing and giggling. I am not sobbing every day and opening up my deepest secrets to Reets. It just hasn't been like that. We do spend a lot of time together, but that is OK. I feel like I am doing something wrong. And Kelly is just so upset about it that I don't know what to say to make her feel better. It is never fun to be the one that has the opposite schedule, or a boyfriend that is long distance, or to be a second semester senior. But we have all dealt with it at one point or another. Or we are dealing with it right now.
Kelly is someone that needs to have people around to keep her sane. Not people, but those that she loves. She needs to expoud on her day, open her heart, and lots of times, she just needs hugs. Kelly and I are very different. I don't want to open my heart, or accept hugs. I want to be left alone to my own devices, locked in my room forever. But I love Kelly and I want to do what I can to make her feel better.
Right now I am also dealing with quite a bit myself. I am depressed that my brother is gone, panicking over finding a new job, worried about my relationship with Paul, and somehow trying to find a way to escape the drama of every day life. And at some point I should be an actor.
What I really need is no pressure right now. I really need to not HAVE to do anything for anyone else. Paul and Mariah want me to come visit. My parents want me to come home. I should be calling my friends from school, memorizing monologues, hanging out with my friends in NYC...and blah blah blah. There is just so much. So I have decided...actually made this decison awhile ago, that I am letting everyone else figure out their own problems for awhile. I am not the problem solver. I am not the one who HAS to make everyone else feel better in their life. I refuse to do it. I just plain don't want too. If I have to deal with all my shit, than why can't you deal with yours?
This entry is in NO WAY reflective upon anyone in specific in my life. It is just to let everyone else and mainly MYSELF know that I am living for me now. If I don't want to visit you, I'm not going to. If I don't want to go out with you, I am not going to. If I don't want to stay up past 6pm, I am not going to. I am living for Joe now. And only Joe. It's about time. I need to get my life together, and I am having a very difficult time doing it when everyone needs something from me. SO ahhhh...take a deep breath cuz it will all be ok. And you Miss Cleo...can fuck right off!

At work and praying that it will be 5pm before I even realize it. Rita is filled with anxiety this morning. I hate those days. When you wake up and even though there is nothing huge to be worried about you still feel as though you are going to crawl right out of your skin. Tough mornings. But we laughed and joked on the subway and I think that helped a bit. We have a staff meeting today and that is cool. It breaks up the day a bit. Penelope doesn't feel well and will probably only be here for the meeting. I don't think she should come at all...but I am sure that Rabbi dickhead is forcing her to be here. Ugh.
I feel like I have a permanent loog in my throat today. Not a great feeling. I want to cough it up so that I can stick it on Rita, but I can't seem to get it going. I will suprise her with it later.
So this week is Valentine's Day. Kind of exciting. What to do, what to do. I should make reservations at a nice "gay"restaurant for Paul and I. I don't gots much money, so I better get hacking on this problem quick. Rita's boyfriend is coming to visit too. He should be here by Thursday. I know she is excited to see him. Long distance blows a fat dick. No. Not true. A fat dick is a good thing. Long distance blows a spindly, veiny, pasty white penis. Yeah, that's better.
This weekend, Rita, Kelly and I commence to a viewing of Urinetown. Saturday night. We are looking forward to it. We don't know much about the show and that's the best part. Probably go for a few drinks first. Then we will go to the show and piss on eachother. Cuz of Urinetown. I tell you, I will be damned disappointed if one of us don't end up covered in pee. It's the whole point, right?
So the monster that I work with named Doris tried to pull a fast one. A rabbi from another organization came in and wanted a tour of the facility. So I go get Doris, cuz that is part of her job, and she is like: "You know, this is just not a good moment." I stand there staring at her, not leaving her office, waiting for her to get off her ugly ass and do it. Eventually, she slams her shit down and gets up. What a fuck. Don't give me attitude cuz your life is speeding down the toilet of incompetence. She's a fuck. And worse than her being a fuck, she is ugly. And she has bad clothes. And she eats like a horse. And if she EVER EVER gives me attitude over something again (something that is clearly her job), I will prolly spit or shit or jizz in her coffee.
No. I really will. This cunt's gotta go.
Ahhhh....now I feel better. So off to another day. Fuck. Can I get out of here soon please?????????

Winfield's plane leaves in an hour. I am pretty excited for him. We had an amazing, low-key day yesterday with few tears. There were tears, but they were reserved for the final goodbye. Rita and I drove him into the city and met my parents and their friends. Winfield and I hugged for a good 3 minutes straight. I just didn't want to let go. I felt like I was really letting go of him as a boy and when he comes back, he will be a man. And maybe by then I will be one too.
We spent the day playing cards and having a couple beers. We got to talk and laugh and just be with eachother for the afternoon. It was perfect. There were a few moments yesterday, (after he left) that I felt like I was going to break down into hysterical sobs. But I was able to breathe through it and find that bright side. It's quite possible that I will see him again by the end of the year. Maybe by Christmas? Hopefully by Christmas.
Ironically, I woke up in an amazing mood today. I feel ready to get out of the house and do something. I feel as though I should act on this feeling and not wait for it to dissipate into the depression of a usual Sunday. So I am driving Kelly to work in Lower Manhattan. Then Reets and I will prolly have a few glasses of wine, watch a movie, and just relax. Why can't every day be so simple and nice?
Haven't heard from Paul since Friday night. We got in a little tiff.
This was how the conversation went:
Paul: "Hi. How are you?"
Joe: "Good. We are in a cab going home." (We had just been to a cool party and bar with our friend Penelope)
Paul: "Cool. So what are you doing tomorrow?"
Joe: "Well tomorrow is going to be a difficult day."
Paul: "Oh. You have an audition right?"
Joe: (Anger at his ignorance rising to my throat) "No, Paul. My brother is leaving for Germany tomorrow. And I haven't audtioned once since I left school (which he knows), so why would you say something like that?"
Paul: "Oh. I forgot. Sorry. I thought you said that you wanted to start auditioning."
Joe: "Alright. I gotta go. Thanks a lot man."
Paul: (knowing he fucked up) "Joe, I am sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't know why I said it."
Joe: "Well, whatever. Thanks for the support."
I hung up and was enraged. Why the fuck can't he ever think of anyone, but himself. I OBVIOUSLY don't need him to be there for me all the time. But can he at least remember the big things that are changing my life? I don't get it. He is so self-centered. (As we all are) But if he can't give me the right words of encouragement or advice, can he at least remember that my brother is moving to fucking Germany? Great boyfriend moment by Paul.
And we have only been together for 2 years and a month. Not that I am counting the time toward the demise of our relationship.
So he called once more that night and I just couldn't bear to hear anymore of his bullshit. So we barely spoke. He hasn't called since. And I am surely not calling his sorry ass. Why does he have to always put me on the defensive. Fucking toolbox that he is.
Not even toolbox. Insensitive to the point of no return would be a better saying for him.
In any case, I do feel good today. And thank the lord that I don't have to rely on him for such emotions.
So that it. Felt good to get that off my chest. And what a nice chest it is turning out to be. (I have been doing push-ups for 2 days in a row now) I might have a man chest by summer.

Thank you Penelope and you know for what. I again am sorry for today. And I am very much looking forward to tomorrow night. I needed you to do what you did. I love u.

Well, I am home now. Just spent the last hour trying to get a game of spades going on this damn computer and couldn't accomplish it. So instead I write. My parents and brother are on right now and we are having some interesting talks. My mom is on the verge of a breakdown with my brother leaving and my dad is "barely holding it together". This is tough. Real tough. According to Winfield, he is very excited for the move and isn't worried at all. Now while this puts us all at ease for him, it doesn't take away the sadness. I am so high strung these days and I just need Sunday to come. What I need is for this anticipation period to be over.
I hate anticipation of any kind. Even when it is good. I am very spontaneous as a personality and I hate having to look forward to things or to wait things out. I believe in solutions and making things immediately better. Some days I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up when the bad period is over. I remember when I was little, praying to God that I would blink and time would just fly by. I remember being willing to give up all the good memories that I would make in that time period, if I could just get through the bad thing that I was dreading. For example, when I was in 5th grade...I participated in some sort of cafeteria shenanigans. Somehow I was pinned and blamed for the entire thing. (this is definitely a "somehow" cuz I was ALWAYS the good kid in school. Never got detention, never got yelled at, always accelled) So I got busted for the cafeteria bullshit and was told that I would have to sit in from recess for 3 days. Those three days were the worst three days of my life. But even worse...was the weekend that I had to wait out before my sentence would begin. I remember that one night of that weekend, I had a dream that it was all over. That I didn't really have to stay in from recess or that there was some big mix-up and my name was cleared. In the dream I felt so relieved, so free. However, I woke up and the punishment stood loud and clear. I think it was the day I woke up when I created the theory of passing time with no recollection of what was really happening. If I could just close my eyes and give up 3 days or 3 weeks or 3 years of my life to just get past that awful moment...
That's how I feel right now. I would give up today until Monday if it meant fast forwarding until after my brother left. But alas...it is a stupid theory and totally impossible. Impossibility being the reason for its stupidity.
In other news...I want to be a blog of note. I think I am worthy of a blog of note. (who DOESN'T think that?) Not that being a blog of note is any great accomplishment or anything. But why do we, as a society, have to always be recognized for the things we do. Why can't we just do them and appreciate it because it is for us and only us. Rita does things for her and only her. Why can't I? Why can't you? (p.s. Rita helped someone with their baby carriage up a flight of stairs the other day and told me that she did it cuz it made HER feel good. So even REETS has this problem.) So what is it with us people?
Just a thought...(but hopefully a thought that will make me a blog of note)

Today has been a very difficult day. Aside from the usual work bullshit...and there was about 10 tons of bullshit today, my brother's leaving finally hit me. I lost it at work for a bit and had to step outside. Rita was phenomenal about the whole thing. She stopped everything she was doing to take me outside and to hug me. She kept my shit together. I love her and am so glad that she is here. Life saver.
I am about to go home and not a minute too soon. Gonna go home and relax. Answer no phone calls, write no emails, and be kind to not a soul. Gonna have me some Joe time. Will probably sing a bit. Drink a bit. Smoke a bit. Maybe I will just go right to bed. Got to kick this cold right in the ass if I can. Have a big weekend coming up.

At work today when I definitely shouldn't be. Still feeling like dog shit. And then when I came in, my new boss, Jimmy (also known as Otis Teef) says to me: "You should not have come in today." FUCKING GREAT. Cuz I DID come in today. But whatever, must make the best of it while I am here.
I had this dream last night about Winfield's move to Germany. Except in the dream, I was the one who had to get on to a plane and leave. And I was terrified and didn't want to go. It was really bizarre. Especially since I ain't goin anywhere. And he is leaving for so long. I get these slight panic attacks at times when I really comprehend him leaving. Makes me want to puke, kill someone, or kill myself. I know it has to happen and no matter how I feel about it, I just have to suck it up and get ready. Two days left. ugh.
This weekend, Penelope has invited Kelly, Rita and I to a party. It is a Friday night "I hate Valentine's Day" party. I don't really hate V-Day. Cuz I have a boyfriend. However, I remember absolutely despising it when I didn't have one, so I don't mind supporting my friends that are alone. And I am definitely NOT one of those people that blame Hallmark for creating the holiday as a marketing strategy. In my opinion, the only people that believe in this theory are people that have no one.
Paul is supposed to come visit again next week. His birthday is actually ON Valentine's Day. Weird. It will be so great if he decides to come. We haven't spoken for more than 10 cumulative minutes since he left last week. That is fine. I am actually doing really well with it. I wish he could be a lot more supportive about my bro leaving, but I know for a fact now that Paul isn't going to ever become my support system. There was a time when I wanted him to be my everything. I wanted to cry to him, laugh with him, yell at him, and just plain open up to him. But now I understand that there are certain things that he will never be able to give to me. I don't know if I am okay with this now, cuz deep down I may be slowly getting over him, or I have just given up on him. Either way it ain't so pretty. Or maybe I am just in a good place with him. I am confused. Do I want him to move to NYC to be with me? Do I want to be committed as much as I say I do?
He just sent me a text message that said how lonely he is without me...and that makes me stop for a second and wonder what I am doing here. WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP???

Time to go out and look for dentures.

HOME SWEET HOME. It feels so good to be home today. I have done nothing but putter around with my dick in my hands. I actually spend the first half of the day completely naked. Talking on the computer naked, making phone calls naked, eating fried eggs naked. What a day. Why can't this blogger take off and support my nakedness?
Back to work tomorrow and that sucks. But at least the week is almost over. Gotta take more sick days in the future.
Cept next time, don't want to get sick for real.
Tonight Kelly, Rita, and I are having dinner together. We still haven't decided if we are going out for dinner or if we are staying in. I must admit that I am partial to going out. Cuz if not, it will be my sorry ass that does the cooking.
Gums bothering me again today. Why the fuck won't this disease just go away forever???
I dread the day when one of my teeth feels just a little loose. And then I play with it until it pops out all bloody.
And then I eat it.
The cat has been bathing himself for like an hour. What a priss.
I spoke with Mariah for awhile today. I miss her like crazy. She wants me to come visit soon, but there just isn't any time. She is going through a rough patch right now. I hate that we don't get to talk as much as we used to. I hate not knowing every detail in her life. She is a good girl and an even better singer. She is the next, well...Mariah. She has had a wicked case of tonsilitis the past couple of weeks. She may have to have them removed. That would be horrible.
Mariah tells me that Paul is going crazy without me. Bout time. I have been waiting for him to be up my ass for 2 years now. But once he is...will I still want him to be? I hate being without him, but I hate not knowing if I can truly commit even more. Nothing is ever perfect in the life of Joe CuttheShit. Or for anyone for that matter.

It is now so late at night. Well at least for a Tuesday, it is. But I am not going to work tomorrow, so it is all good.
I had the most amazing evening. I spent the first half with Penelope. Hanging out with her always makes me think. I met this girl about a year ago and couldn't stand her for like 6 months. We just didn't jive the way that I thought we would. To be honest, I wanted to bullshit her the way I do with most people. Just get through it and never make a personal connection. Don't we all do that?
But I got to know her. I got to understand her. I got to see how real and vulnerable she is. When you see someone's vulnerability, you love them. It is impossible not to. This girl is cool. She is smart, quick, and she gets it. Very few do, so when you find someone that does, you latch on for dear life. When she speaks, I listen. Her stories do take hours to finish, but she always has a point. She is someone unlike a lot of people I have met. But we have found a balance and I love that. Finding a balance is the most important part of a true relationship.
So I spent the first half of the night with Penelope. It was great. Her brothers are wonderful. Great heads on their shoulders and totally loose. I had an incredible time. Enough of a good time to sit and "blog" about it.
The second half of the night was spent with REETS (Rita). This girl blows my fucking mind. I have known her for YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRSSSSSSSS, yet every day is something new. I can sit in a room with her and kill an entire evening with conversation. I don't get it. We have talks that break all natural limits. I change as a person just from one talk with her. She is someone I trust, love, and would sacrifce everything for. I am just overwhelmed by it all the time.
Even with your best friends, you find that need to hold back. To protect yourself. But with her and Kelly, I really just let go. These two are the perfect housemates. The ones that I can cry to, scream at, collapse in front of...these two are my life. With the exception of Paul. But isn't it always "with the exception of Paul"? These two are my dream. Oh please. We do have problems. Someone is always being offended or left out or stuck with cleaning the dishes, but shit always works out. We are a house based on honesty. I must say that I vote for us for cabinet. Senate. Something important.
It was a great night that made me realize how important reaching out to others really is. Once you risk...you are always rewarded. I never believe in that theory, but whenever I do it, I am most pleasantly suprised.
The moral of this story is: Love your friends the way you would love yourself. Because they make you. And you make them. And together you are a bunch. "The Brady Bunch."
I love you girls.

I fucked this entry up. i am a newbie.

GREAT. Now I sit here with a bruised gland because I couldn't stop squeezing it.

I JUST FOUND A HUGE LUMP ON MY NECK! I panicked for a good 10 minutes, feeling my face flush and my armpits fill with fear sweat. Then I ran to Rita and said: "Please tell me I am not going to die." Rita says: "I am not sure Joe, but it is probably a gland." I walk away. Then I run to Cleo and I say: "Feel this huge lump on my neck." Cleo says: "Joe...stop it. It is definitely a gland. I get lumps like that all the time." With the exception of the fact that this advice is coming from someone who is depleting all natural oils from her face, I trust her. I have to trust her. What else am I gonna do?
I ain't cutting off half my neck. Please God no. I am becoming the most annoying hypochondriac.

Another day, Another dollar. No really...another dollar, cuz that's about all I make at my shit job. At least I feel proud of my work, though. PSHAW! I am thinking of taking tomorrow as a sick day. I don't feel so hot. I mean, I feel good enough to come to work prolly, but I think I prefer to spend the day home recuperating from this hell-hole we call life. I have the time, why not use it?
Last night I saw MTV'S Flipped. It was the season premiere and it was fucking amazing. Now, I am a little biased cuz I fully believe in MTV as a network that has phenomenal broadcasting. The shows are great, the music is good, and the marketing strategies are just about damn near perfect. So anyway, last night I saw FLIPPED. The show was focused on a teen-girl smoker and teen-boy dipper. You know, dip that goes into your mouth and rots away your face. In the episode, they take these two teens and flip their worlds upside down. They try to show them the negative affects of using tobacco. And let me tell you, quite the powerful episode. The premise of the show (on the girls' end) was that she was picked to be in a new USHER video. She had no idea that her world was about to be FLIPPED. In the "video" (and USHER did look damn good, of course) she was to portray a woman with emphysema. To prepare for her role in the video, the girl had to meet with a woman who is 41 and dying of emphysema. She was really upset by this experience. Then to prepare for the last portion of the video, this girl was made to listen in on a woman being told that she had emphysema. She stood, hidden in a closet, and listened to the entire conversation, horrified at what was being said to this stranger. Then the doctor says to the girl: "Okay, come in and meet this woman so that you can see the face of emphysema." The girl walks in and realizes it is her mother that was being told that she was sick. YIKES! I mean, it turned out that it was just a plot to convince her that tobacco kills. And the most real part about it is that this girl's mother has been smoking for decades. The two of them held and cried with eachother for awhile. And so did I. (Held and cried with myself)
The show was so effective. Imagine the horror on this girl's face when she realized that her mother was the one being told she would die. My friend Rita thinks that it is a horrible trick to pull on someone. But I think that when it comes to something like tobacco, you need to scare people. I have been smoking myself for just about 5 years. And it is time to quit. I am not going to have half of my face cut out due to cancer. I am not going to lose my singing voice completely due to a smoke. I am stronger than that. We all need to quit. OK?

I leave in 20 minutes. Can not wait. Gonna go home and masturbate, spend some time clearing my head, and eating a nice fat dinner. Penelope is now photocopying...how the fuck do you spell photcopieng. member I am drunk at work. AND NOW IT IS TIME TO GO!

I am drunk I think.

So Cleo just comes up to me and says: "Did you go out last night?" With my cutest smile and shit eating grin tendencies, I say: "Well it WAS the Super Bowl and I had to celebrate." Little does this asshole know...I just drank for a full hour on my lunch break. So you are WRONG Miss Cleo. You predicted no ones future. I drank an hour ago and you think it was last night. Stupid fuck. Oh. And let me do the rest of your work for the afternoon.

Now I go to have a cigarette with Penelope. But if anyone catches us...we die. Or get pay docked. What the fuck ever Jim Goins!

Rita and I just had lunch together. We went to this little restaurant called "The West End". Rita had a diet coke with lemon and I had 3 glasses of chardonnay. We split the nachos. Then we both came back to work. Totally enjoyable. It was nice to sit and just talk the two of us. Doesn't happen all that often these days, even though we totally live together. You know how it is.
Penelope and I are trying as hard as we can to get through today. Both of us want to up and quit as soon as feasibly possible. I say feasibly, cuz hell...we don't get unemployment unless we get canned. So here we sit, plugging away at our nonsense.
I feel a little bit better today than yesterday. I am a wee bit more controlled. But only a WEE.
Paul hasn't contacted me in days. I fucking hate long distance relationships. He sent me a text message from his cell phone this morning, which was sweet...but get on the fucking horn. He had all weekend to call me and didn't. It just bothers me. My brother is leaving for 3 years and he hasn't even called to check up on me - to see how I am doing. I need him to see how I am doing. And I guarantee that he won't ask me a single thing about the situation, unless I prompt him to do so. Which I definitely won't. I hate having to teach him a lesson. In fact, I am not really teaching him anything. I have tried that in the past and it never works. He...OH...fuck it. I have had enough.
A fucking student...who is rather cute...needs some help with something. He just pulled out a laptop and now I jizz. He has a personal laptop? That is kinda hot. Especially when he is not hideous.
"I gotta go".

I just got home from my weekend away. Walked in the door about a half hour ago. Put away my clean laundry, straightened up my room a bit. Then took a shit. I now sit down here to rid myself of some thoughts. I spent the entire weekend in my house in Albany. I actually never stepped foot outside the house the whole weekend. It was really nice to just hang out and have no pressure to do anything. Played a lot of cards with my family. Drank a little bit. Watched a couple movies and caught up on my Sex and the City.
It was sad to leave today. Knowing that it is so close to the last time I will see my brother before his move to Germany. We didn't really talk about much this weekend. We actually just hung out and watched tv together. Stayed up real late both nights just being in eachother's presence. Sounds good, but I felt as though he wanted to talk about a lot of shit. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't ask him much about his fears of moving. Or the fact that we aren't going to be in the same country. I really don't know how to deal with this, so I just shove it all down and pretend like it isn't happening. I am the king of that. Yet it eats me alive inside when I know that I should just deal with it and confront it head on. But I am also afraid that if I do face it, I might fall into a sadness that I might not get out of for awhile.
Being someone who deals with erratic emotions and feelings of massive anxiety, I sometimes go into pure robot mode and deal with nothing. Seems to be the only way that I can survive any emotional curve ball. Deep down I am sad. Real sad. I possess major self-frustration. I expect too much from myself. I want to be the most perfect, healthy person ever born...but I find myself being completely the opposite almost every day. How do I say to my brother...you can't leave me. Just when we were starting to truly lean on eachother and be eachother's best friends...you have to up and leave. How do I cry on his shoulder when I know that he needs mine to cry on? Is it too selfish of me to run away when I feel like that is my best chance at surviving the shit that is threatening to tear me apart? I hate crying. I hate feeling low. More than this...I hate the feeling of numbness that I experience in the midst of shutting myself down. Does everyone go through this or is it just me?
I love you so much Winfield. I wish there was a way for me to be just a little bit stronger. So that I could call more, write more, hold you more. But I can't.
Especially when I know you are leaving me.
Winfield leaves a week from today. I am counting on the old "Out of sight, out of mind" theory to get me through the next month. I don't know how else to do it.
I feel so empty inside. What is wrong with me? Why am I sitting here in this great big city and spending all of my days cooped up in my house? Why have I not auditioned for anything since graduating college? I, by far, am someone who takes on too much. Who used to be so overly motivated that my biggest problem was finding a way to relax. Now, I do nothing but sit and stew. (And not the good stew with beef, carrots, and potatos) God, throw me a bone. Help me to feel confident and ready to start my career in the city. Give me the strength and the ENERGY to find a way to break into this entertainment world. Don't let me become that guy who let lack of motivation and fear keep him from ever going for his shot at fame and success. I want it. I taste it. I dream it. I believe in it. What is the last piece of the puzzle? Where do I find it?
Help me Jesus. Make me a better man and a more focused individual. I give you the glory, please give me the power. Hold my hand and get me on the right track. The days are going by and I need your help.

So today I feel like shit. I was super busy at work and I have aches and pains as though I do other things beside booze and smoke pot. I leave at 3pm today to go home to see my brother, Winfield. It is one of the last visits we will have before his big move to Germany. I love my brother. I have grown to absolutely adore him over the last couple of years. We have always gotten along...well for the most part. There was a 2 -year stint in highschool when he wouldn't even make eye contact with me in the halls. I guess it was tough for a jock to have a fag brother. But at least I was a popular fag brother. Oh. And I was fat then. I wasn't as svelt as I am now. Svelt? whatever to svelt. Now, he and I get along so well. He looks up to me and I do to him as well. We are so completely different, but so much alike at the same time. Plus, we are both studs that never have to share women. So I guess that is a plus. Having the whole family together (my mom, dad, and brother---small fam!) is always a bittersweet experience. We all laugh and cry together. We share our thoughts, our problems and our love. It gets hard only because once I make it home, I never want to leave. The chemistry between the members of my family is dynamic and powerful. I love them all so much it hurts. And now my brother is leaving for 3 years.
At least I am driving home for this adventure. Greyhound has become my personal chauffeur on just about every trip I have taken over the past 2 years. I fucking hate the bus and even more so...the fat asses that ride the bus. Why is it that most people I end up sitting next to smell like tomato soup? But today I travel alone. Just me, the radio, and my thoughts. It will be a nice time of peace.
The super bowl is on sunday. Don't give a fuck about that.
Update on the gums...still bothering me.
Update on Paul...still wonderful. Called me today and was as sweet as he could possibly be. Makes me a lucky boy to have him. As long as his fingers aren't up my ass to the point of anal bleeding.
Alright, I should cut out. Cleo wants to spend the last 10 minutes of work talking my ear off about something foolish. Prolly the fact that her face is about to fall right off due to the lack of moisture.
Hey, she didn't have that memorable of a face to begin with.